I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
black phone good
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.