My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Who does Amazon think I am?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets