[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
incredible text to wake up to
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?