Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
What even happened today?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.