*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.