My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
You Might Also Like
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My dad.