Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.