Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You Might Also Like
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.