[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Mmmm. Shoeshi