I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means