being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.