To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
They must have gotten it to go.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.