Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!