It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Omg 🤣
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists