liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”