I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’ve had relationships like this
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills