My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”