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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.