[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans