None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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#polloftheday
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.