Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
#winning
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut