Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You Might Also Like
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.