I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?