my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
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Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.