My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”