UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.