Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.