Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.