Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
guys i’ve cracked the code
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*