me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.