I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.