12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Okay, I’m still confused…
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: