You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.