Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam