Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.