Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
You Might Also Like
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.