BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Just grow your own
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
With this onion ring, I thee fed
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO