Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
This hospital has everything
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.