What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.