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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.