Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT