Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out