PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me, in DM rooms…
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.