Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
You Might Also Like
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
U talkin 2 me?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
me, too, girl. me, too.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”