Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
You Might Also Like
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”