i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
We’ve come full circle
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.