Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Worth the read.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that