[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion