Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no