MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Storm Tropical Storm
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying